Since I posted the last entry? I have neglected myself in a huge way.
It is beginning to show.
I am falling.....falling fast.
I have tried to be the mother that everyone thinks I am.
I am failing....failing faster than I am falling.
I want to succeed.
Please, God, help me to be the mom you created me to be.
Please, God, help my daughter be the young woman you created her to be.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Reflections of a mother
I am sitting here, drinking my coffee, wondering where time goes to.
It was just a few days ago that I was bringing home my 2.5 lb baby, all wrapped up in a doll dress, with diapers that swallowed her whole....and now, she is off, out of my house, out of my control, in a big ol' school, in an apartment that she has helped decorate, getting ready to embark on her own adventure.
Gone are the days of calling me from high school, asking me to bring her something or, just to say "hi". Gone are the days I can just jump in the car and go sign her out for lunch down the street at Ruth's. No more quickie trips to the mall at night just to "check things out".
Gone are the days of standing in the grocery store for hours at a time, calling different companies to find out if their "natural flavorings" involve any type of wheat, barley, rye or oats.
Gone the hours of wondering, worrying, crying because she is sooo sick from something she ate and not being able to help her or to figure out what it was she was contaminated with.
As much as some of those days were a pain, I am going to sooo miss them. What will I do with myself?
I am sure I will find things to occupy myself. Like catching up with my album projects...better finish her high school album first. Going to lunch with Mitch. Going on his out of town trips with him.....and, not having to wake up at 5:30 to make sure she is up. I will take up a new hobby....learn something new. I will make time for God, for my friends, for things I love.
But, in the meantime, I will take time to reflect on all that has been and look to the future for all that will be.....pray for that little girl...that she becomes all that she can be...that the future is all that she wants it to be.....in the meantime....
"MY WISH FOR YOU"............you know the words!! I just don't want to cry again!!
It was just a few days ago that I was bringing home my 2.5 lb baby, all wrapped up in a doll dress, with diapers that swallowed her whole....and now, she is off, out of my house, out of my control, in a big ol' school, in an apartment that she has helped decorate, getting ready to embark on her own adventure.
Gone are the days of calling me from high school, asking me to bring her something or, just to say "hi". Gone are the days I can just jump in the car and go sign her out for lunch down the street at Ruth's. No more quickie trips to the mall at night just to "check things out".
Gone are the days of standing in the grocery store for hours at a time, calling different companies to find out if their "natural flavorings" involve any type of wheat, barley, rye or oats.
Gone the hours of wondering, worrying, crying because she is sooo sick from something she ate and not being able to help her or to figure out what it was she was contaminated with.
As much as some of those days were a pain, I am going to sooo miss them. What will I do with myself?
I am sure I will find things to occupy myself. Like catching up with my album projects...better finish her high school album first. Going to lunch with Mitch. Going on his out of town trips with him.....and, not having to wake up at 5:30 to make sure she is up. I will take up a new hobby....learn something new. I will make time for God, for my friends, for things I love.
But, in the meantime, I will take time to reflect on all that has been and look to the future for all that will be.....pray for that little girl...that she becomes all that she can be...that the future is all that she wants it to be.....in the meantime....
"MY WISH FOR YOU"............you know the words!! I just don't want to cry again!!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Gator Excitement!!
Sometimes I wonder, "am I too devoted to my college team?" and then, I say, "NO WAY!!" Really, though, I do love the college that I attended. It gave me an incredible start in life....as a teacher. The things I learned there, in addition to the life lessons, were a valuable asset to me as I started out in my life.
Today, January 8th, 2009, is a big day for the university. One that I pray doesn't affect whether Bekah gets in, but, one that actually keeps them on the map as one of the greatest in the country in more than just some things....most things!!
Tonight, at 8 p.m. EST, The Gators take on Oklahoma University Sooners in Miami for the National Championship game in Football. You can bet that Mitch and I will be glued, like millions of others in the country. We will be wearing our colors, eating our tailgate food, (even tho we will be in the t.v. room) and screaming and high fiving as tho we are there in real life. It is fun. We would love to have been there but, at 1500 a ticket, it just wasn't possible or practical. Our hearts will be there. I will remember the pictures I was able to get of Tim Tebow, at the SEC championship game, as I watch the boys play. My prayers will be for health, injury free, football....and, if God is not too busy, I pray that that He will find favor with Tim, the boys he has lead to Christ, and his commitment to the Almighty!! Honor that, dear God.
GO GATORS!!!
Today, January 8th, 2009, is a big day for the university. One that I pray doesn't affect whether Bekah gets in, but, one that actually keeps them on the map as one of the greatest in the country in more than just some things....most things!!
Tonight, at 8 p.m. EST, The Gators take on Oklahoma University Sooners in Miami for the National Championship game in Football. You can bet that Mitch and I will be glued, like millions of others in the country. We will be wearing our colors, eating our tailgate food, (even tho we will be in the t.v. room) and screaming and high fiving as tho we are there in real life. It is fun. We would love to have been there but, at 1500 a ticket, it just wasn't possible or practical. Our hearts will be there. I will remember the pictures I was able to get of Tim Tebow, at the SEC championship game, as I watch the boys play. My prayers will be for health, injury free, football....and, if God is not too busy, I pray that that He will find favor with Tim, the boys he has lead to Christ, and his commitment to the Almighty!! Honor that, dear God.
GO GATORS!!!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Dreary Days/Joyful but sad thoughts
Such a dreary day....makes me want to get back into the bed, pull the cool crisp sheets over my body and go back to sleep....so, what do I do instead? I get up, I get myself cleaned up, dressed and start the day...looking for ways to combat the dreary feelings in my body and head.
I choose to do something that I love...scrapbooking. Looking at the pictures of those I care most about, and me doing those things that I love. Today, I am mostly journaling, an activity that I only dislike because I hate writing everything out, but, love remembering the special moments that I am writing about.
Today, I just journaled about a special visit from a very special friend. She and I met on the internet...through a scrapbooking message board. We got to meet irl a couple of years ago, in her world. Last January, she came into my world......and shared my family with me.....and experienced things that are a bit different here in the states.
I realized while I looked at those pictures, she really does live a different life than me. Now, the everyday things are basically the same...taking care of the home, taking care of the kids (although her girls are still just that, girls, while mine are now young women) tending to our sweet husbands and their needs, and, of course, scrapbooking!! But, at closer glance, we are worlds apart. We are separated by some vast differences. On days she wakes up to snow, I wake up to sunshine and daisies, she sees mountains, I see oceans, she eats scones, I eat biscuits (which really are NOT the same thing no matter what the lady at the Cracker Barrel says) she uses different phrases and words to say the same things.....some of them being a whole lot nicer than the American version) like we say HUH??? and they, here comes the nicer version, say eh?? Means the same thing?? Whaaaaaa?? Just sounds nicer. She spells similar words different than me....using the ou combination quite often, which I have started to do and it is driving my family and friends nuts.....they think I am wrong when I put colour instead of color!!
I realized something else when looking at the pictures of she and I last Jan. I miss her, I really do, alot!! I wish we were closer. I know we could be fast friends....those special type of "girl" friends. I know I can trust her. I could tell her anything and noone would ever hear about it....and she could do the same with me. I need that. Everyone needs that. I crave it!! I have been kicked so many times by other "friends" that I am slow to trust and bare my heart to some other female!!!
Basically, what I am trying to say, is I love her....as a friend of course. She knows who she is. I hope she knows how I feel!!!
I choose to do something that I love...scrapbooking. Looking at the pictures of those I care most about, and me doing those things that I love. Today, I am mostly journaling, an activity that I only dislike because I hate writing everything out, but, love remembering the special moments that I am writing about.
Today, I just journaled about a special visit from a very special friend. She and I met on the internet...through a scrapbooking message board. We got to meet irl a couple of years ago, in her world. Last January, she came into my world......and shared my family with me.....and experienced things that are a bit different here in the states.
I realized while I looked at those pictures, she really does live a different life than me. Now, the everyday things are basically the same...taking care of the home, taking care of the kids (although her girls are still just that, girls, while mine are now young women) tending to our sweet husbands and their needs, and, of course, scrapbooking!! But, at closer glance, we are worlds apart. We are separated by some vast differences. On days she wakes up to snow, I wake up to sunshine and daisies, she sees mountains, I see oceans, she eats scones, I eat biscuits (which really are NOT the same thing no matter what the lady at the Cracker Barrel says) she uses different phrases and words to say the same things.....some of them being a whole lot nicer than the American version) like we say HUH??? and they, here comes the nicer version, say eh?? Means the same thing?? Whaaaaaa?? Just sounds nicer. She spells similar words different than me....using the ou combination quite often, which I have started to do and it is driving my family and friends nuts.....they think I am wrong when I put colour instead of color!!
I realized something else when looking at the pictures of she and I last Jan. I miss her, I really do, alot!! I wish we were closer. I know we could be fast friends....those special type of "girl" friends. I know I can trust her. I could tell her anything and noone would ever hear about it....and she could do the same with me. I need that. Everyone needs that. I crave it!! I have been kicked so many times by other "friends" that I am slow to trust and bare my heart to some other female!!!
Basically, what I am trying to say, is I love her....as a friend of course. She knows who she is. I hope she knows how I feel!!!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
New Year, New Plan
New Year? 2009.
New Plan? lots of things
1. I will strive to be more committed to my goals.
2. I will strive to be a better wife/mother/friend
3. I will thank God everyday for the "things" He has blessed me with
4. I will spend time in The Word each and everyday
5. I will spend time talking to God everyday
6. I will do something nice for each person in my family each and every day
7. I will tell each person in my family that I love them everyday
8. I will try NOT to react before praying when presented with something that I don't like
9. I will maintain contact with those I love more often
10. I will, most of all, with God's leading, do what I can to further HIS kingdom and, in so doing, develop lifelong friendships with those He chooses, not me.
11. I will concentrate on taking care of the body He has given me and thank Him for it, even though I wouldn't mind a different/more whole one!!
12. I will set an example for both of my children, no matter how old they get, of what a Godly woman should be.
13. I will set an example for my girls of how a Godly WIFE should behave, not having to have the last word, but, loving and giving my all!!!!
14. I will begin my day asking God for help to accomplish all the above.
New Plan? lots of things
1. I will strive to be more committed to my goals.
2. I will strive to be a better wife/mother/friend
3. I will thank God everyday for the "things" He has blessed me with
4. I will spend time in The Word each and everyday
5. I will spend time talking to God everyday
6. I will do something nice for each person in my family each and every day
7. I will tell each person in my family that I love them everyday
8. I will try NOT to react before praying when presented with something that I don't like
9. I will maintain contact with those I love more often
10. I will, most of all, with God's leading, do what I can to further HIS kingdom and, in so doing, develop lifelong friendships with those He chooses, not me.
11. I will concentrate on taking care of the body He has given me and thank Him for it, even though I wouldn't mind a different/more whole one!!
12. I will set an example for both of my children, no matter how old they get, of what a Godly woman should be.
13. I will set an example for my girls of how a Godly WIFE should behave, not having to have the last word, but, loving and giving my all!!!!
14. I will begin my day asking God for help to accomplish all the above.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Why God??
It has only been three very long months since our sweet Pastor and his precious son came to be with you! Is there a reason that you needed Simeon, and so soon?? Our church is still grieving, still reeling from the accident that took Forrest and Preston.....now, this???
I am at a crossroads right now. I know God loves me. I know God is good...all of the time. I know He is a loving God. I just don't get this. Three months ago, on May 12th, 2008, our loving Pastor, Forrest Pollock and his 13 yo son, Preston, died while flying in Forrest's plane to go to a Church related activity. He crashed his plane into the side of a mountain just miles from where my parents live.
Our Church was devastated. Since then, I have felt lost when at Church. So much changed in so short a period of time. We moved into the new building, started working with a whole new group of people.....singles instead of older folks, and, then, Pastor died after only preaching three sermons in that dream of his. We buried him on the 17th of May.
Three months after his funeral, we get a call before Church on Sunday morning, the 17th of August, that our Precious Music minister, Simeon Nix, had a fatal heart attack and was gone from this earth. There are so many questions running through my head. I had just gotten to the point where I could let Mitch leave the house without worrying....without wondering if he would come back, if I would ever see him again.
Am I going to feel this way forever. These men were 47-Simeon and 44-Pastor Pollock.....had children, etc. My mom said to me the other day that his work on earth was done. That is one statement that I just can't wrap my mind or heart around. How is it done? God gave them both beautiful children.....doesn't He want children to grow up with a father??? I have so many questions, confusions, rushing around in my head. It feels as though a train is rushing up there and I can't stop it but, every now and then it stops to toot it's horn.....really loud!! Reminding me that it is there.
Please, God, help me. I know you are too big for me to possibly understand...but, I need some peace from this. Our family loved these two men in ways that I can't even explain. Simeon gave Katie her start in Music, loving and encouraging her all the way.....even had her sing the National Anthem July 5th at Church...trusted her that much...and then, in his usual fashion, encouraged her and built her up when she was done. We are going to miss that aspect of him more than any other...his love for our daughter.
Simeon, you will be missed greatly and never replaced in our hearts. Pastor, we still grieve losing you and feel as though we are in a strange place every Sunday morning without you in the pulpit...now with Simeon gone as well, what will it be like???
I am at a crossroads right now. I know God loves me. I know God is good...all of the time. I know He is a loving God. I just don't get this. Three months ago, on May 12th, 2008, our loving Pastor, Forrest Pollock and his 13 yo son, Preston, died while flying in Forrest's plane to go to a Church related activity. He crashed his plane into the side of a mountain just miles from where my parents live.
Our Church was devastated. Since then, I have felt lost when at Church. So much changed in so short a period of time. We moved into the new building, started working with a whole new group of people.....singles instead of older folks, and, then, Pastor died after only preaching three sermons in that dream of his. We buried him on the 17th of May.
Three months after his funeral, we get a call before Church on Sunday morning, the 17th of August, that our Precious Music minister, Simeon Nix, had a fatal heart attack and was gone from this earth. There are so many questions running through my head. I had just gotten to the point where I could let Mitch leave the house without worrying....without wondering if he would come back, if I would ever see him again.
Am I going to feel this way forever. These men were 47-Simeon and 44-Pastor Pollock.....had children, etc. My mom said to me the other day that his work on earth was done. That is one statement that I just can't wrap my mind or heart around. How is it done? God gave them both beautiful children.....doesn't He want children to grow up with a father??? I have so many questions, confusions, rushing around in my head. It feels as though a train is rushing up there and I can't stop it but, every now and then it stops to toot it's horn.....really loud!! Reminding me that it is there.
Please, God, help me. I know you are too big for me to possibly understand...but, I need some peace from this. Our family loved these two men in ways that I can't even explain. Simeon gave Katie her start in Music, loving and encouraging her all the way.....even had her sing the National Anthem July 5th at Church...trusted her that much...and then, in his usual fashion, encouraged her and built her up when she was done. We are going to miss that aspect of him more than any other...his love for our daughter.
Simeon, you will be missed greatly and never replaced in our hearts. Pastor, we still grieve losing you and feel as though we are in a strange place every Sunday morning without you in the pulpit...now with Simeon gone as well, what will it be like???
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Summer Time
Wow!! Has it been over two months since I came here? Guess so!! Not all that great at updating this...still getting accustomed to having an online place to talk to myself!!
So, my Doctor's appt went really well. She was kinda confused at the concern...didn't realize her nurse had been so scary and apologized. Nothing is out of the ordinary...hear that? I am ordinary!! NEVER been told that in.my.life!!
So, summertime has been interesting. Katie has been home for almost three months and, we are about to leave to take her back. Actually, I am taking her back all by myself. She and I will leave on the 11th of August and drive to my Mom and Dad's place in Maggie Valley, NC and spend that night. Then, on the 12th, Mom, Katie and I will do a girl's couple of days away without my dad. We are going to a Bed and Breakfast in Tryon, NC.....for two nights. It is a spa and we will all have massages. This is a surprise for my mom (celebrating her birthday that was in June) and I am counting on the fact that my Dear Daddy didn't tell her!!
After we get back to Maggie, Katie and I will spend one more night (have to meet Maggie the dog and have me some doggie play time) then, on to Buies Creek!! I think she is excited about going back. I will miss her but, it will be kinda nice to get back into a routine with the one who will be a senior.
Katie and I are going out to dinner with a bunch (don't know how many) of ladies from the area on the 15th!! These are ladies that are members of an online Message board called Scrapshare. I am ready for that one. I always meet someone new each time I am in BC and this time, I get to meet Keesher (Tracey). I have prayed for this lady, cried real tears for her, now, finally, God is allowing me to meet her and give her a big ol' hug!!
I will miss my Sweet Husband, Mitch. I hate being away from him and I often will cry myself to sleep nights when I am away or he is gone. I know that seems silly but, he is my lifeline. He is a constant for me.
So, my newest journey, and I am being successful thanks to the Grace of God and His abiding comfort and strength. I am on a weight loss journey. I want to lose this weight before any "changing" happens in my body.....know what I mean??? I know it's coming and with all the other factors against me, prednisone, so many years with diabetes, I know that now is the time. So far, after two weeks, I have lost 8 lbs.......never have I done that well in so short a time except when I was deathly sick and I wasn't even trying. So, cute little sundresses?? Maybe not this summer, but, stay tuned, I may just show up at your party in one next summer!!
I also want to credit Stacy Kocur with being my inspiration. She rocks!! She was the one who made me realize that I can do this!! She is doing it, with God's help, and with His help, so can I!!
Thanks, Stacy!!
So, my Doctor's appt went really well. She was kinda confused at the concern...didn't realize her nurse had been so scary and apologized. Nothing is out of the ordinary...hear that? I am ordinary!! NEVER been told that in.my.life!!
So, summertime has been interesting. Katie has been home for almost three months and, we are about to leave to take her back. Actually, I am taking her back all by myself. She and I will leave on the 11th of August and drive to my Mom and Dad's place in Maggie Valley, NC and spend that night. Then, on the 12th, Mom, Katie and I will do a girl's couple of days away without my dad. We are going to a Bed and Breakfast in Tryon, NC.....for two nights. It is a spa and we will all have massages. This is a surprise for my mom (celebrating her birthday that was in June) and I am counting on the fact that my Dear Daddy didn't tell her!!
After we get back to Maggie, Katie and I will spend one more night (have to meet Maggie the dog and have me some doggie play time) then, on to Buies Creek!! I think she is excited about going back. I will miss her but, it will be kinda nice to get back into a routine with the one who will be a senior.
Katie and I are going out to dinner with a bunch (don't know how many) of ladies from the area on the 15th!! These are ladies that are members of an online Message board called Scrapshare. I am ready for that one. I always meet someone new each time I am in BC and this time, I get to meet Keesher (Tracey). I have prayed for this lady, cried real tears for her, now, finally, God is allowing me to meet her and give her a big ol' hug!!
I will miss my Sweet Husband, Mitch. I hate being away from him and I often will cry myself to sleep nights when I am away or he is gone. I know that seems silly but, he is my lifeline. He is a constant for me.
So, my newest journey, and I am being successful thanks to the Grace of God and His abiding comfort and strength. I am on a weight loss journey. I want to lose this weight before any "changing" happens in my body.....know what I mean??? I know it's coming and with all the other factors against me, prednisone, so many years with diabetes, I know that now is the time. So far, after two weeks, I have lost 8 lbs.......never have I done that well in so short a time except when I was deathly sick and I wasn't even trying. So, cute little sundresses?? Maybe not this summer, but, stay tuned, I may just show up at your party in one next summer!!
I also want to credit Stacy Kocur with being my inspiration. She rocks!! She was the one who made me realize that I can do this!! She is doing it, with God's help, and with His help, so can I!!
Thanks, Stacy!!
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